Can’t stop

Got me fucked up feelin like I can’t stop.

All you gotta do is reach out and catch me by surprise….

I can’t forget the first night we met.

I thought I was done, that I had lost the game. I was better off alone. It’s better to feel nothing than to feel pain, right? I thought life had finally done its job and taught me loneliness.

I thought loneliness was the best option I had. How could I deserve anything better?

Then you came along and lit up my life.

My friends don’t understand the way I feel when I look in your eyes. Your eyes are so beautiful. They tell me so much about your world, and my place in it.

From curiosity, to fear, to happiness, and tears, your eyes tell me everything I need to know. They tell me what being alive feels like.

…they give me a reason to stay alive.

But I’m difficult to love, and so are you. I’ve hurt people who love me and loved people who hurt me. I’m a mess. I’m a insecure, spiraling, terrified, wrinkle in time. I can be cruel and mean and vindictive and manipulative and exhausting and selfish and demanding but somehow, you make it seem like I’m worth it.

I still don’t know how to accept the love I have for you and the love you’ve given me because my past has taught me to never love too hard and expect too much and be too happy and be too true to myself because I am not worthy. Happiness is something that exists outside of my little world, it exists only in the realm of a perfect world that I can only ever hope to get glimpses of.

Here I am, not making any sense again.

Who am I to say no to you? Who am I to deny you your love? Who am I to deny myself love? I’ll keep trying, we’ll keep trying, but god knows we can’t stop.

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