11:11

It’s stupid. I still believe in making a wish at 11:11.

I must have made a few hundred wishes by now and although none of them came true, I’m still wishing. I have wished for many things, from friends to family, grades to sports, even silly little things like not getting a paper cut while sorting through essays. I don’t know why I still wish on 11:11. I could get a paper cut at 11:12AM but at 11:11PM, I’ll make another wish. It’s almost like I’m using the wish as something to get me through the days.

Didn’t work the first time? Try again the second time! Didn’t work the second time? Well, tomorrow is a new day, so you’ll start anew! I think I have such a fascination with 11:11 because I know it’s stupid. It’s so stupid I love it. It gives me blind hope that miracles can happen on the few times what I wish for comes true. I didn’t get a paper cut this time! Maybe I’ll get to see my brother that I haven’t seen in 4 years. Maybe he’ll comeback for good this time and we’ll get to be an actual family. Maybe his return won’t end in fights and tears between my mom and dad this time, maybe, maybe, maybe.

Now, please don’t point out how illogical this is. I know how illogical this is. But just please, let me believe. Let me believe I might actually be able to go back in time and slap some sense into little me. Let me believe I can make-up the trip to my great grandmother’s house that I skipped because I didn’t know it would be the last time I’ll see her silky hair and softly wrinkled skin. Let me believe in fixing the past even though I know very well it won’t happen.

This is getting a bit sad isn’t it? I hate being sad yet it seems as if everything I write ends up sad. I guess it’s just my way of releasing what I have kept within for far too long. I let all my emotions run wild in this little space because it’s mine. I have it to myself, I don’t have to live in fear of someone interrupting my words, I don’t have to worry about being silenced. I write things on here that I would never talk about in real life, and it’s great.

See? This little post was made with the intent of sharing my obsession with 11:11 and is now just, oh I don’t know,  me wallowing in self-pity. Yet it is as me as it gets. An honest slice of my thoughts. My spastic, dramatic, self-pitying, and at times, happy thoughts.

I will still wish on 11:11 because it gives me hope. I can either use that hope as an excuse to not work towards the future, or I can use that hope as fuel. Every time I think of changing the past, I tell myself to work on the present because it will become the past. Perhaps what I’m doing right now won’t seem like much, but when I pause and reflect on this moment 10 years later, I might smile at myself because the little fool that was myself did something right. And I look forward to that moment with all my heart and soul as I retrace my current past.

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